place an X by all the things you've done and remove theX from the ones you have not. Answer the questions at the end andand post on your blog for all your friends (including me) to see. This is for your entire life!
( ) Gone on a blind date
(x) Skipped school
() Watched someone die
(x) Been to Canada
() Been to Mexico
(x) Been to Florida
() Been to Europe
(X) Been on a plane
(X) Been lost, in any sense of the word,
(X ) Been on the opposite side of the country
(x) Gone to Washington , DC
(X ) Swam in the ocean
(x) Cried yourself to sleep
(X) Played cops and robbers
(x) Recently colored with crayons
() Sang Karaoke
(x) Paid for a meal with coins only?
(X) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't?
(X) Made prank phone calls
(X) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
(X) Caught a snowflake on your tongue
(X) Danced in the rain
(X) Written a letter to Santa Claus
() Been kissed under the mistletoe
() Watched the sunrise with someone you care about
(X) Blown bubbles
(X) Gone ice-skating
(x) Been skinny dipping outdoors
(X) Gone to the movies
1. Any nicknames? nae
2. Mother's name? Karla
3. Body Piercing's? EARS
4. How much do you love your job (on a scale of 1-10)10 being best? probably a 6 or 7
5. Favorite vacation spot? anywhere but here
6. Ever eaten cookies for dinner? YES
7. Ever been on TV? no
8. Ever steal any traffic signs? no
9. Ever been in a car accident? yes
10. Drive a 2-door or 4-door vehicle? four
11. Favorite salad dressing? bilbo's
12. Favorite pie? apple
13. Favorite number? 13
14. Favorite movie? harry potter, the da vinci code, dead poets society, a few good men, 10 things i hate about you.
15. Favorite holiday? not really big on holidays
16. Favorite dessert? cheese cake
17. Favorite food? toaster strudel... ahah
18. Favorite day of the week? recently.. none?
19. Favorite brand of body wash ? i don't care
20. Favorite toothpaste? whatever i've been using for the past 2 months
21. Favorite smell? adam
22. What do you do to relax? read, watch tv, lay in bed and think
23. What is your number 1 pet peeve in the whole world? not calling/texting people back... or using people
24. How do you see yourself in 10 years? 10 years i'll be 28... hopefully not living in michigan... out of college, out of student loan debt... career, not married,
25. Furthest place you will send this message? i'm not sending it, but i guess it can go anywhere in the world now it's on the internet.
26. Who will respond to this the fastest?nobody...

empty

so, i haven't written here since march, where i was going on and on about high school and wanting to be done and getting out of michigan.
right now, i just kind of feel like i want to be done.
just done.
i feel under appreciated
i feel walked on
i feel alone
i feel stupid
i feel angry
i feel like i've disappointed everyone.

i don't know where to start first
i don't know how to fix this
i almost feel like the only thing i'll be able to do to fix this is just to stay in my room and not do anything. not eat, not go out, not talk to anyone, i feel like i'm going insane

i feel like everyone's annoyed by me
my friends
my family
every thing's so fucked

i want to cry but i feel like when i go downstairs someone will ask me about it
and i don't want to tell anyone i feel like this

i want to just stop talking altogether
i want to not give a fuck
i want people to treat me the way i should be treated
i want people to actually give a shit about me

i want people to stop looking at me like i'm ridiculous every time i say something
i want people to start caring


i'm not done... not yet...

done, done, done!!!

Tonight i had to work, and hanging out with one of my best friends just brought out everything that i have been feeling for this last year. The hopes i have for my life to begin is one of those things that just won't leave my mind, and when it does leave, it's not gone for long. My dreams are definitely big, and definitely not something that i will accomplish in a year, but i hope by the time i'm 25, i will be living my OWN life.
1) i really want to just be out of high school. i don't want to deal with any school related activities, i don't want to deal with drama, i don't want to deal with teachers or homework or detentions or any of that crap! people keep telling me i need to go to prom and i need to go to grad bash, but yet, there is no reason in my mind for me to go to these events. for one thing, i despise (perhaps that's not quite the right word, a bit harsh?) the majority of my class and second, i don't like large groups of people. people tire me out. i'm one of those people who, in order to recharge, needs to be ALONE!
2) i want to save up a ton of money, get done with college and certifications and LEAVE MICHIGAN! there is no way that i will ever be living in michigan as a choice. i have lived in this po dunk college town of Kalamazoo for my whole life and i am done. i hate it here, the weather, the people, just everything. i want to go somewhere where nobody knows me. i want to go somewhere where i can start a life and i won't have to worry about having to live my life a certain way. i want to go somewhere where i can actually be myself without my family or so called friends judging my every move.
those are my two main goals. honestly i don't know if i can wait that long, hopefully i can do this all by like june or july of 2012. i think it should only take me about two years to get my degree if i take summer classes, and i hope i don't have any student loans to pay back. i think as soon as i get out and i have certifications i'm going to apply for jobs all around the US and just get whichever one i get. i don't care where it is as long as it's out of the midwest!

GRADUATION IS COMING!

As graduation is fast approaching, (about eleven weeks to be exact) I can't help but feel a mixture of emotion. Although I will be happy to rid myself of the drama of high school, I am filled with sadness to think of what I will be leaving behind when I eventually leave this small town. There is one person in this world that i have said i love and actually meant it. His name is Davion and i really do love him. Davion is my best friend Brianna's baby boy. at 10 months old he's the closest thing i have ever felt to having family that I love unconditionally. And at 10 months, he's my favorite person in the whole world. It hurts me so much to even consider leaving him behind on my quest to find myself or move on with my life. Since he was born May 11th, 2009, I have been with him at least 3 times a week. He is my nephew, blood related or not, I love him as if he were my own nephew. Could you imagine? Moving away from the person you love? I don't know what to do. My overpowering urge to rid myself of this town conflicts with my urge to stay with this beautiful baby boy for the rest of his life. I would never be able to forgive myself if when he grows older, he doesn't recognize me, and he doesn't realize how very much i love him to the core. It sounds so silly but I often find myself crying because it hurts me so much to even consider leaving him behind. I will miss his smiling face, his cuddles, his crazy hair, his perfect little fingers and toes, and most of all, his ability to recognize me when I come and see him. My face is as recognizable to him as much as his own mother or grandfather. I don't even know why I am thinking about this now, as I will not be leaving right after graduation, i still have years. I can't continue to think about this, it's too hard. I guess we'll deal with it as it comes.


I hate crying blog posts

It's happening again...

okay so it's been a while since i've had to deal with people that i know and regularly talk to going around and getting trashed alot. but now, it's coming back. last year it happened alot and i told all of them that that wasn't me and i wasn't into that and if they still wanted to be friends to refrain from talking about that stuff because i didn't want to be involved and i didn't want to hear about their drunken escapades. now, i understand it's a person's choice what they do on the weekends but honestly, it makes me feel like shit when my best friends (if i could really call them that... i don't really know....) start going out every weekend, getting trashed, and then lying about it like i don't see their facebook and myspace statuses. it's completely rediculous and it makes me think that they think i'm stupid or something. i really don't enjoy going up to my friends and saying "it's either me or the partying" because that's rude and i wouldn't want someone to come up to me and say "it's either me or the books" because that's just rude. but when i don't get invited anywhere, or get asked to hang out, or get a phone call, and when my friends are lying straight to my face, it kind of hurts. it gets to the point where i feel stupid for even suggesting hanging out with eachother and i feel dumb for asking what they did over the weekend and they go "oh i just hung out with my cousins" when i know they got wasted. i've been feeling for a while now that i need to start distancing myself from these types of people. i really have no choice. the dissapointing part and really, inexcapable part of this whole thing is that these people that i consider my friends are the only people that i like at my school. there are 2 types of people at my school and they are the druggies and basically the nerds. now i don't get along with the nerds because they are all pretentious and ib students and they think that they are beyond everybody else intellectually. now the druggies i don't like because they are all morons and all they ever do is hang out in peoples basements and smoke some hookah. i just don't understand where i fit in with it all. i mean this is the end of my junior year and i barely have any friends. i suppose i'm a loser of sorts because what little friends i do have don't want to hang out with me outside of school. now when all of my friends are taking a hit, i'm sitting at home while my parents glance at me with sympathetic looks like "why can't you just be normal?" i thought that maybe my parents would be grateful that i don't do drugs and i don't go out partying every weekend, that i stay at home like a good kid and read or go online... but no nothing's ever good enough. i should be studying if i'm home or i should be losing weight or i should be doing this or that. i'm sorry if i'm not perfect, but those people you call my sister's aren't either. they are the least perfect people i have ever met. you know what kills me? it's that i don't like interacting with people that i don't know and my sister actually asked my parents if that was something treatable by a shrink, like i need to go see a therapist and my parents say "you know what, i'm pretty sure it's even covered under our insurance plan..."
okay i'm just done.. that's it this is just making me even more upset and it's the last full day of school tomorrow and then i barely have to see any of them ever again because i won't see them ever next year....
i can't wait for college... it's going to be so much better than this bullshit.

the sims 3?!?!?!? omg so awesome... =]