hmmmm...

alright, so whoever's reading this, i'm pretty sure that from my last post i was royally pissed off at my sister. well, that day after writing that blog, i decided it would be a good idea to calm myself down by doing some yoga booty ballet, which, didn't last very long, but i did have a GREAT idea while trying to do some excircise.. i decided to get my paints out and just go at it. i ended up taking all my anger towards my sister and putting it into my painting, i think it turned out okay, but now i know a way that i can cope with the feelings that get out of control, instead of yelling, or punching something, or even bawling my eyes out, i should go to my paints and just let it take me away. of course, last night i ended up using up all my paints so hopefully i get money from my mom before i have really out of control emotions =]
so i've decided to deal with what my sister did, it was the right decision for her, i mean, i would never have done that no matter what my parents said, but she's not mature enough to handle a baby. i know i wouldn't be either but i would grow up quick if i had to. ugh sorry getting a bit angry here... well i've decided to forgive her... she made an interesting point yesterday. she said "now no matter what you or jacqui do, it won't be anything compared to this." which i mean, i guess it'll get them off my back about grades and stuff, but do i really want that? i mean, if they don't push me as hard as they have, am i going to try as hard? i mean i have an EFA class, an IB class, and 4 other classes that i need to worry about! plus i might get a job (more on that later...) but seriously, i don't know if i could handle it without my parents pushing me to do better. i mean, yes i do hate it when they push me, but it all works out better because at least i didn't fail the class. okay so i said more on my job later, i applied at celebration cinema(if you don't know what that is then... it's a movie theatre) because my best guy friend adam told me that they would be hiring soon so if i needed a job i should go apply there. so i applied there and it's been a few days, but i asked adam how long it usually took them to call back, and he said usually they'll call on a sunday to schedule an interview for a weekday. so if they don't call by tomorrow i guess i'll call up there and ask if the managers saw my application. idk what i should say though... i guess just be like "hi my name is renae morgan, i dropped off an application last week and i was just checking to see if one of the managers have had the chance to look at it." ughgh idk i hate calling places. like delivery places... =[ i hate it. okay well my mom pays me for doing chores around the house every day, so i hope she pays me because last week i didn't get paid because i failed my first driver's test and then so i had to pay for it, but since i don't have a job she took it from my pay, which is only $20 and the test was $45 so idk if she's going to pay me or what, but i want to get paints but their so expensive.. i wonder if she'd pay for a couple colors, but once i get a job i can pay for my own, also i wanna get some canvases. idk what i paint.. i guess its more of feelings, like i did this painting a while back with oils and i gave it to my sister and basically i was trying to do a sunrise but i didnt' really come through with making a sunrise it turned into just colors all together, almost in a sunrise but it was alot of red and black and purple and blue and white but idk i almost thought it was anger, or frustration because i couldn't make a sunrise and that was what i was feeling, but at the same time it's not angry strokes, it's more of calm strokes so i was thinking that maybe it was like a "calm before the storm" but for feelings, like the calmness before the anger comes through almost like the anger washes over you. i know i'm not very good and i don't want to learn how, it's just something i do to pass the time. something i do to calm myself down, something i do to controll my feelings and to not show people what i'm feeling all the time. my face is so readable, if i'm the least bit mad people can see it, if i'm happy EVERYBODY can see it because i can't controll it. i like hiding myself from people, i guess this is why i'm writing in here, so i don't have to tell somebody this, at least somebody i know.

well i'm off to research paints to see where the cheapest ones are...

xoxo
Renae